쓸껀많은데 the website said 댓글 limit was over so..

I don't know if you did this already, but when writing stuffs like this, you should always make a general outline or a rough idea chart on what you're goign to write, and in what order. This will help you to re-organize your thoughts later when you're editing the paper, as well as aid you in inputting new ideas as well. I'd highly recommend you to start from scratch again with the outline thing if you havent done so yet...

In general, universities don't really care about minor grammar mistakes （at least in my programme they don't really put a huge emphasis on spelling and grammar）. What really matters to the assessors are the content of the paper, as well as the style and the form in which you present your content in. For your question: "Describe the world you come from - for example, your famnily, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations", I guess the cook ie-cutter style for this type of question would be basically be, describing the environment around you that had shaped your views and your thoughts critically. You could write an introductory paragraph, briefly explaining what you're goign to write as well as what kind of environment you come from. Then you can probably pick 1 ~ 3 things that had affected you （cultural shock would be one of them I'd think; afterall immigrating to another country has a huge effect on people in general）, then write 1~3 paragraphs about those things specifically. Then write a paragraph to sum up all the things you wrote. -_-;; it probably will seem familiar to you since thats the standard form of essays in english classes, but hey it works zz

Like what I said in the 댓글, what you wrote there is an autobiography. That's not what the question is asking for. And like what masses said, your writing seems to be bit negatively toned... words like "racism" could be replaced with "hardships faced in new culture" or "cultural-shock".

Lastly, when you're writing you should always think to yourself "If I were the assessor... who has to read 1000+ odd papers in a time period of 1 week~1 month-ish, would I find this paper interesting? Would I be drawn into reading this? Or would I throw it away after reading first couple lines?"

즉, 자기 자신이 이걸 marking 한다면 읽으면 질릴까, 아님 걔속 읽고싶어할까? 이런 마인드로 써야되요.. To be honest I thought it was boring -_-;; but maybe because I wrote alot of stuffs like that back in the day ㅋㅋ

Oh.. and I'd probably rewrite it -_-;; sorry;; but I'm sure you can write a better product if you put more time into it.

Well if this thing is due in like a week or so then I guess you won't have time to rewrite.. but if it's due in like january or next year in general, then I would definitely rewrite. I think I'm done writing -_-;